Have a good day

So I woke up on the right side of the bed, literally and gave today my everything. I am too tired to blog

H

Have you ever?

Done something random, that maybe there are more pressing things but it feels good to just relax and be near someone?

I love it.

Here is the update from the weekend

So this weekend…

I worked.

I rushed and met some awesome people! We will see where that goes!!!

I parties with the girls and the boys at Tommy’s! Margo and I made better!

And yeah. The most amazing part of the weekend I’m going to keep private

Hughes loves Hilton

’nuff said.

Here is an update

I should be happy.

Yesterday I took the picture of a historic figure for the school newspaper. Tillis. He spoke to KSU freshmen on his way down to atlanta to try and halt a death penalty sentence.

I’m an editor for a magazine.  My EIC says I am amazing and that I do great work and I feel very fortunate to have found and made the most out of this opportunity.  I had reawakened my desire to be in the publishing field after I was jaded in High School.

I do amazing in school and am not even giving it my all. I help direct my group and we are making great progress.  I am fighting to understand my two math classes.  Math isn’t my forte but I am not dumb.  I can get As.  I will get As!

I am rushing in the PSP honor frat. Regardless of If I can get in, regardless of if I can afford it, I made new friends.  I stepped out of my comfort zone.  I didn’t sit in my room all night after class. I’m tired of sitting in my room.

I work for one of the most amazing companies in the world and it doesn’t feel like work.  I get to talk to people about the stuff I am interested in all day and they love me for it.  I get to work with people that are themselves, and completely original.  I can feel my walls break down, walls that I have built up for 9 years to…walls that have made me into an unhappy, untrusting, untruthful person I am today.

I am dating the Man I have wished for all my life. I said love when I was 14.  I’ve said it since, but only really meant when I said it to my mother and brother.  Love was a word just like any other word, it had no power to me, and grew as old and tiring as the boys I dated less than 3 months.  This time is different.  This time I am dating the full package: brains, beauty, and has goals.  He is made up of every single wish that I’ve ever made.  Fingertips, Toes, Hair, Eyes, Skin, Smile, Height, Sex, everything that I have ever wanted is him.  It is like the Savage Graden Song Lyric “I think I dreamed you into life”

I’m not happy though. I feel so wronged and hurt and upset by all the drama that sits in the circle of friends, and I feel it is all my fault, constantly again and again, and I don’t know how it gets that way! I tell Mom and Tommy that I feel like a fuck up, that I can’t keep stable relationships with people, that I destroy everything that touches my life.

I’m so scared. I’m so lost. I feel so alone.  I don’t want to medicate myself. I have watched what it has done to people. I don’t believe it makes anything better.  They only way it can get better is if I fix it myelf.  The medication is not a complete solution.  I can’t focus on school when I get like this.  Maybe I need it though to regain my sanity..

Hurl!

The smell of cheap cologne makes me want to gag. Whomever buys Curve at walmart should be shot. Body odor smells better! Jeez!

Heap of UnHappy

I have found the key to my unhappiness. I am an extrovert by my very nature, however, I do not always express my feelings or thoughts for the sake of others. This is, in fact, illogical because my holding it in makes me an unhappy, mean, manic person.

I am going to make it my personal to express my emotions in a constructive and theraputic way. That is the only way I will survive..

Here was my day..

I woke up with Mr. Hilton, and by with, I mean I woke him up.

I went to breakfast with my dads from Jacksonville.  It felt so good to have a piece of home come and visit.  They told me about all about Jax and the people I knew back there.  I told them how things were going here with School, Work, and Tommy.

After they left, I went to work. I left an hour early and I worried because there was traffic between Kennesaw and Marietta.  I saw the accident that tore up the front and back of the two cars.  There have been a lot of accidents around, and every time I see them or hear about one, I worry about the people that I care about no matter what.  No matter if we are fighting, not speaking, anything.

I made it to work 10min early and had a good day.  I didn’t trip over any signs.  One creeper was totally hitting on my and I didn’t even realize it until I went to walk away and shake his hand. AWKWARD!

Work is so amazing.  The customers and my co workers.  I learn so much everyday and am constantly told how much of an amazing help I am.  The human contact feels good.

Tommy is hanging out with Adam.  The apartment is silent except for the air conditioner I just turned on.  No rap. No slamming shit around or eating loud.  No random roommate.  Silence.  Even in my head.  It feels so good.  Tranquil.

I’m going to find something else to eat and go to bed.  I’m going to dream and sleep so deep.  I’m going to wake up tomorrow, work on some homework before work, and spend the night with my man.

I really do love my life.  The ups and downs and all arounds. Goodnight!

Have not had a day like this..

I am so much happier at “Heaven Store”.  The human interaction keeps my mind engaged.  I make people happy and content.  I help meet their needs.  I get to talk about stuff I am interested in all day!

I helped these 5 Italians and then tripped over a sign in front of them.  I prevented a scam artist from using a fake credit card.  I didn’t eat out today.  Go me!

When I got off work, I had this glow.  I have not had this particular kind of glow in a long time.  It was a glow that I made myself. I went to Teavana and told the girl to surprise me.  She was like, do you want to be relaxed or excited.  I squealed EXCITED!  She set me up and it was delicious.  No more starbucks for moi.

I talked to Tommy after work who went to dinner at Amanda’s.  It doesn’t bother me that he hangs out with them.  It doesn’t bother me, but there is a part of me that can’t help shaking this feeling.  It doesn’t have a name. Maybe it is loneliness?  It is what stemmed me into telling Josh and Mom that if I wasn’t dating Tommy and if it was not for Kennesaw’s amazing business school, I’d transfer to a different school.

I talked to Josh on my way home who was on his way to Macon to see his boy! I am so happy for him.  He and I seriously got so rowdy on the phone we were like freaking out and pretty sure that we are bipolar.  We also spoke in noiseSpeak, just like…charlie? said we could.

I talked to Jeremy and Robert, my “dads” from Jacksonville! They were on their way up and I get to have breakfast with them tomorrow! I am so excited! I miss them.  I miss…Jacksonille. Do I? Maybe I miss the way things were?

I talked to Mom, who was with Ronald.  I let her know how happy I was and that I was just really…Happy.  I told her about work, how it didn’t even feel like work and about Jeremy and Robert coming.  She started getting a little short with me and I could tell that she wanted to get off the phone with me.

I got off the phone, and went for a run.  I went for a run up the Central Deck.  I didn’t run up the stairs, I ran up the actual parking areas.  I made it to the top.  I ran down the stairs like they do in the action movie.  I was proud of myself.  I escape in my runs.  I miss them.  Never once was I affraid in the darkness.  My white glow was strong and nothing could phase me.

Here is to Life.  Here is to being happy because of oneself.  Cogito Ergo Sum, right?